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Narcissism: “excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance,” as defined by Oxford Languages.
When we speak about narcissists in our society, we tend to mean one of two things – either someone who is self-obsessed and vain, or someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Someone who acts selfishly from time to time isn’t necessarily a narcissist. We can all lash out when we feel our needs are being threatened or our concerns invalidated. But someone who shows a consistent lack of empathy, lack of consideration, a need to be admired, an outsize sense of self-importance, a blindness to others’ needs, and who acts out when they aren’t treated in these ways may be a narcissist.
Divorcing a narcissist comes with unique challenges, especially when issues like child custody are involved. Pinkham & Associates APLC has experience in navigating divorces against individuals with narcissism. Our skilled divorce attorneys can step in and make sure that divorcing a narcissist husband or wife does not get messier than it already can be. Our Orange County law firm looks after your interests during the dissolution of a marriage. We advocate for your rights and your needs, and can help ensure that you are not manipulated or disrespected by a spouse with narcissism when it comes to safeguarding your future interests.
Personality Traits of A Narcissist
Sometimes people with undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder find their marriages coming to an end because of their behavioral patterns. It’s not unusual to hear from one spouse how they were bombarded by a narcissist’s constant need to be right, or how they got tired of playing second fiddle to a narcissist’s inflated sense of self in the relationship. The following are some examples of what you might be experiencing in a marriage to a narcissist, and where the breaking point may be:
They Need to be the Center of Attention
Narcissists often require constant praise and admiration to maintain their inflated sense of self. In a relationship, this can manifest as excessive demands for attention, compliments, or reassurance.
Scenario: Sarah and David have been married for a few months. While Sarah initially found David’s charm and confidence attractive, she’s beginning to feel overwhelmed. He seems to constantly need her to tell him how great he is, both in person and through texts. He’s often disappointed if she doesn’t respond immediately or if her compliments aren’t effusive enough. When they’re out with friends, David often monopolizes the conversation, steering it back to his achievements. Sarah feels like she’s constantly playing second fiddle, and her own contributions are often dismissed or ignored. She’s starting to feel drained and unsure if she can continue the relationship.
You Walk on Eggshells
Narcissists need to feel in control, and can use abusive tactics to ensure that their sense of self is being prioritized at all times.
Scenario: Even though Robby has never hit Andrea, Andrea is constantly feeling like she needs to watch what she says around Robby to make sure he doesn’t lose his temper. He’s jealous of all her coworkers, and drinks too much for her comfort sometimes. When she takes on a big assignment at work, it makes him feel threatened because she’s spending less time with him. Even though Andrea has tried reassuring Robby countless times that she loves him and their marriage is her top priority, she feels like her choices are constantly angering him. She worries about telling him details about her day in case they set him off.
They Lose Their Charm Behind Closed Doors
Narcissists want to be praised, and can make it difficult for their victims to seek help by making it seem like they have the perfect relationship. Oftentimes, narcissists will treat their partners differently on a night out or in front of others than they will once they’re at home.
Scenario: At first, Abby was blown away by her new wife Rachel, and how beautiful and talented she seemed. Rachel was always the expert on everything, whether what wine to order or where they should travel next, and Abby felt lucky to be by her side. When they’re out with friends Rachel loves to kiss her, compliment her, and talk about how great they are together. Rachel still posts photos of them together that makes it seem like everything is perfect. But behind closed doors, the two women fight constantly, and Abby feels stifled by Rachel’s constant opinions, criticism, and need to have the upper hand. Abby feels like she is a prop for Rachel’s perfect fantasy world, and Rachel doesn’t consider her real needs, wants, and desires. Abby is starting to wonder if she should look for a divorce attorney.
You’re Constantly Criticized
Narcissists must be the expert in the room, and lash out at others who they sense threaten their sense of superiority.
Scenario: “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re embarrassing me when you eat like that.” “Do you really want to wear that?” “That’s a pretty stupid opinion.” “You always take her side and not mine.” Lars is getting tired of Morgan’s constant criticism about his choices. Whether the comments are about how he doesn’t earn enough money at work, about how he chooses to parent his child from a previous marriage, about his weight and failed diet, or about the family dynamic he has with his mother, Morgan always has something to say, and it never seems to be positive about Lars. All he wants to do is make Morgan happy, but nothing he does seems to work.
They’ve Cheated
Narcissists are often experts in breaking boundaries, because they treat everyone in their lives as less important than themselves. Narcissists may have trouble empathizing with others and can treat their partner or partners as objects, or ways to satisfy their own needs.
Scenario: Mona finds photos on her husband Jeremy’s phone of multiple other women in revealing positions. When she confronts Jeremy about it, he at first denies cheating, and says he doesn’t know how those photos got there. When pressed, he admits that he has been cheating on her for a year now, and says that he didn’t realize she would be so upset about it. He says his privacy has been violated by her going through his phone, and tells her she’s being irrational. According to Jeremy, he needed to see other women to make sure he still had feelings for her. Mona is ready to end their relationship over these affairs.
You Get The Silent Treatment
Constructive disagreement can be healthy in a marriage. But narcissists often attempt to coerce, manipulate, or control their partners by giving them the silent treatment in order to punish them for asserting their own wishes. Narcissists often cannot handle a partner having a different perspective from their own, and shut down.
Scenario: Cameron knows better than to disagree with Jen. With past girlfriends he’s always been able to find a compromise, but Jen shuts down any disagreement they have by going silent. At first, he thought she was trying to cool down, and respected her silence as a technique to avoid a fight. But since their marriage, Cameron is beginning to realize he has never been able to bring up a topic that she doesn’t agree with. They always do whatever Jen wants, and when he tries to bring this up, she wouldn’t speak to him or touch him for days. She’s even gone as far as to block his number after an argument. Cameron is tired of being punished by Jen, and wants a partner who can resolve issues with him, instead of against him.
They Break Promises
A promise from a narcissist only matters as long as it serves their own interests. Narcissists often have exploitative relationships with others in order to serve their own ends.
Scenario: Craig and Wren have an open marriage, but Craig has asked that Wren get tested after intimacy with other partners. Craig finds out from his doctor after a checkup that he has been diagnosed with an STI, and he knows that he has only been with Wren. He confronts Wren about it, and finds out that Wren has not been tested once since opening their marriage, and has not bothered to tell Craig. Wren does not respect Craig’s boundaries about physical or emotional intimacy, and Craig wants a divorce.
Divorcing A Narcissist in Orange County
How to divorce a narcissist and win? It’s not a sign of weakness to need an attorney to take on someone with a personality disorder. Most narcissists attempt to manipulate and gaslight their partners. They can bombard you with affection and then use the silent treatment against you all within the same hour.
The stages of divorcing a narcissist often involve accepting that the person you call your husband or wife is not a stable or trustworthy partner in ending a marriage. Sometimes a narcissistic person will not want a relationship to end solely because it serves their own interests. Understanding why a narcissist won’t divorce you means learning that they are not truly wanting to be with you, only wanting what you bring to their life. If you provide stability, comfort, care, attraction, money, or other kinds of excitement or fulfillment to a narcissist, they may not be interested in ending the dynamic. Other times, a narcissist will want a divorce entirely on their own terms. In these cases, an attorney with Pinkham & Associates can ensure that your rights are respected in the court of law.
Books on Divorcing A Narcissist
Our attorneys can provide legal counsel to people looking for answers on how to divorce a narcissist. For some additional support, consider these following resources:
- How to Divorce a Narcissist: and succeed in the family court by Diana Jordan
- Divorcing a Narcissist: The Lure, the Loss, and the Law by Supriya McKenna and Karin Walker
- Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD (4 Books in 1): Workbook and Guide to Overcome Trauma, Toxic Relationships, Anxiety and Recover from Unhealthy Relationships by Linda Hill
Hire An Orange County Divorce Attorney When Divorcing A Narcissist
One of the main criteria for choosing a lawyer to divorce a narcissist is ensuring that they have familiarity with the condition and dynamic it creates. Do not choose a lawyer who will get sucked into your spouse’s cycle of gaslighting, false promises, flattery, and ego stoking. A good divorce lawyer needs to be an objective outsider with the ability to stand firm by your side and advocate for your rights under California law. At Pinkham & Associates we have experience with what you are dealing with. Contact us today for a free consultation.
